Tired of Your Inner Critic? – Here’s How to Retire It

September 13, 2021

I have just about had it with my inner critic – the irritating self-critical remarks I hear so often when I’m just trying to live my life – “Oops, that wasn’t very smart, was it?” “Are you kidding? Now they’ll really know you don’t know what you’re doing.” Maybe you have an inner critic, too.

Not all the time. There are moments when I’m chugging along, happy and grateful. But it doesn’t take much: someone doesn’t say hi when I walk into a room or they even seem to walk away. And there’s a torrent of “Oh no, what have I done wrong?”

I teach Retiring the Inner Critic: How to Heal Negative Self-Talk and Regain Our Well-Being or similar topics quite a bit these days. Here are some universal principles I have found helpful, and an exercise to begin to push back a bit on the relentless self-criticism that derails our self-esteem and any true enjoyment of relating to people.

The inner critic is universal.

Every human being on the planet survives by depending on other people, at first for physical survival and development, throughout a lifetime for acceptance and psychological well-being.

The need for connection and the threat of disconnection become powerful motivators, early on and throughout our lifetime, for behaving in ways that foster the sense of approval, acceptance, and protection we need to feel safe in the world and secure in ourselves.

The threat of disconnection or disapproval can evoke intense feelings of guilt (we DID something bad) or shame (we ARE something bad). Those feelings shape our behaviors (this can be quite unconscious) so that we act quickly to behave in such a way that other people won’t criticize or disapprove of us (or reject or abandon us).

These habitual behaviors evolve into internal voices: “I’d better not…”or “I’d better…”

And we anthropomorphize the entire package of voices into an inner critic that relentlessly harps on us to do right or be right so we won’t get into trouble.

The inner critic has a positive, protective purpose

The shaming-blaming of our inner critic can be more than annoying. It can be harsh, relentless, bullying even take over our sense of who we truly are. And yet, and I realize this is a stretch at first, the inner critic has an important job to do. It is trying its darndest to keep us safe, protected, and connected. That’s the truth. There’s almost always a message, a lesson, a grain of truth (buried deep, for sure) in what the inner critic is trying to get our attention about.

How to be-friend the inner critic

The emerging wisdom of modern psychology is that: given our neurobiology (this need to connect for survival and how quickly experiences become patterns in the developing brain) and given whatever our family conditioning, social circumstances, cultural expectations were (shame and guilt are universal emotions used universally to shape behavior)…the emergence of our inner critic is NOT OUR FAULT.

So important. NOT OUR FAULT. [See my newsletter The Neurobiology of Feeling Unlovable for the science behind this.]

And, given the remarkable neuroplasticity innate in our brains, it does become our responsibility to learn how to rewire (retire) the inner critic. [Realistically, to shift it to its new role as our inner advisor.]

EXERCISE

The ABC Model of working with difficult emotions is a powerful first step in retiring the inner critic: being able to engage directly with the feelings of guilt and shame that fuel it.

ABC is a very basic practice, anchored in mindfulness and self-compassion, to be able to be aware and be with any difficult emotion like shame, any negative part, like the inner critic

A is to be aware, to attune, to allow and to accept this is what’s happening, this is my experience, especially these are my reactions to my experience, not to like or condone but to make room for it ..

…so that I can be with whatever is happening without pushing it away or pretending this isn’t happening right here, right now, even befriending the experience for whatever message or lesson it might be bringing me…

…. then the compassion or the caring to make it safe enough in the brain, in my being, to bring a little curiosity and open-minded receptivity to the experience.

Guided Meditation Practicing A, B, C

We’ll apply ABC to several different emotional experiences, some easier, some harder, some easier again.

Settle into a comfortable sitting posture. If you notice any discomfort in your body, you can adjust to come into a sense of presence and ease. If you feel comfortable, let yourself settle into that sense of presence and ease that allows the mind to relax and the heart to open.

Breathe slowly and gently, noticing the nourishing of your body as you breathe in; noticing the soothing of your body as you breathe out. Sense your breath moving throughout your entire body. Know that you don’t have to remember to breathe, your body remembers for you. Letting your body breathe you.

When you’re ready, let yourself remember a recent moment, just one moment, when you felt SAFE in your body, safe in your being. Either a moment in solitude, when you were by yourself, or a moment when you were companioned by another person.

And we can begin to practice A, B, C. Be aware of your sensations in your body as you remember this moment. Allow any thoughts that arise to be there; accept any emotions that arise with this memory.

Be with your experience exactly as it is in this moment of remembering. Befriend anything that seems difficult or vulnerable.

Bring compassion to yourself or any part of yourself that needs some kindness, some gentle acceptance in this moment.